As a student at the Walter Cronkite School of Journalism back in the day, our professors kept warning us about the impending switch that would occur with the corporatization of broadcast journalism. The Cronkites and Morrows would soon be phased out and replaced with cable Infotainers babbling incessantly about belabored issues with faux experts offering incendiary analysis in exchange for book plugs to a numb and dull audience using the newscast much in the same way housewives used soap operas… as background noise. Sadly, those days have arrived. The days of network news are not over, at least not in nursing homes, where the stale content delivered by stale anchors goes hand in hand with the slow decay and low expectations of the bored and forgotten. Americans can get the who, what, when, where and why from the Internet these days without the slick, blatantly woven politics of TV reporters and certainly sans the 35 sidebars that fill the 20 minutes between stories.

Additionally, what used to be news coverage is now news creation, as reporters over-analyze and badger stories out of thin air, which shines through as we change the channel to a place where such efforts are consummated: reality TV. The antics also seem to be seriously trivializing TV news, which detracts from its credibility. After all, you aren’t a true American journalist until you’ve trolled the through the horizontal rain and obstacle course of flying trash cans and shingle bullets of a hurricane ravaged city street. Americans don’t need a mix of news and entertainment with hundreds of channels of programming out there. They need quality options of the purest form of both.

What might save TV news is the hybridization of network news with local news. People trust the local news anchors that bring them the stories right from their own communities every night. They could care less about which talking head delivers the news, so the familiar face might actually save the day. Networks can ship their scripts and finished packages to local affiliates via a feed and the local anchor can bring their city the nightly news with a few segments dedicated to local stories…even the lead. That way, much of the “What you don’t know may kill you” fluff that plagues local stations can be cut down while adding the street cred of polished, national reporters and their stories to replace an already watered down segment in most local news shows dedicated to national and international news. The newscasts would be more relevant, more succinct and more familiar to the local audiences. If people do long for the antics and fluff of Infotainment, they are going to turn to CNN, FOX News or MSNBC anyway. They can get their fix of circus act journalism as they do the dishes or stuff their faces from those cable telewhores much better than a news team who will be held accountable by their local communities.

Though most of you aren’t watching the news anyway, some of you accidentally might. For a quick guide on who’s on the tube, I broke down some of our superstars to help you find the right anchor or, as they are known today, “news personality,” to suit your tastes.

Anderson Cooper (CNN): Grabbing a ninth grade male cheerleader on Paxil and dying his hair geriatric silver, then putting him on the anchor desk was a risk that has paid big dividends for CNN. That is until some shrapnel or a flying lawn chair keeps him honest at 200 mph.

Who Should Watch: The chick who always gets drunk and cries at high school parties, anyone who knows what spirit hands are, cross-dressers and fans of E!, who want more on who Britney is fucking.

Bill O’Reilly (Fox): Okay, so he’s not a journalist or even an anchor, but he’s more popular than either and he’s twice as entertaining. His guests have the same expression as someone getting a rectal exam while this rambling idiot answers his own questions for them and then chides them for it. I also love what he did to Private Pyle in Full Metal Jacket.

Who Should Watch: Sociopaths, serial killers and fans of reality TV that need to fulfill the sight of other people’s embarrassment, frustration and failure.

Chris Matthews (MSNBC): Another infamous interrupter like O’Reilly. He’s akin to the abrasive uncle who berates you every Thanksgiving in front of the rest of the family by telling you that your dreams of becoming an actor are stupid and someone with your face should become an accountant.

Who Should Watch: Parking meter attendants who seek information about the world from someone just as annoying.

Keith Olbermann (MSNBC): The most famous of Dan Patrick’s former bitches on Sportscenter. He’s more arrogantly self-centered than Dennis Miller and his jokes make about as much sense to someone under 60. I’m not sure if this is a newscast or failed stand-up, but it’s a matter of time before he’s emceeing Bingo night in Fort Lauderdale with Craig Kilbourn.

Who Should Watch: Fans of Comedy Central Shows like Colbert Report or Daily Show…when those shows are on hiatus…so they can appreciate them more.

Katie Couric: News from a kindergarten teacher. By the time you read this, the Eye might have acquired a Brain and put this early bird out of her misery and back in the proper morning slot.

Who Should Watch: No one’s going to watch anyway…

Charles Gibson: Alfred Hitchcock reading software code from a teleprompter. If they would’ve replaced water boarding in Gitmo with feeds of this guy’s newscasts, we’d have had Osama in Leavenworth five years ago.

Who Should Watch: Anyone who can convince the government to provide Chuck’s newscast as an alternative to traffic school.

Shepard Smith: After listening to him for ten minutes and turning the channel, I feel about as guilty as I did when I got off the phone with the stock broker who conned me into “taking advantage of an opportunity in the international debt market.” If his Q rating ever falls among the evangelicals, he’ll be selling vacuum cleaners door to door.

Who Should Watch: Car salesmen, stock brokers and scam artists.

Wolf Blitzer: He makes every story sound like someone just shot the President…which works for me.  The only thing that kills me is his monotonous tone. He has the voice you’d expect to be auctioning off child sex slaves at a Myanmar orphanage.

Who Should Watch: The Boston Archdiocese and other pedophiles in need of another outlet for their child-raping urges. I know this makes no sense, but I had to jab child molesters and Wolf looks like one.

Brian Williams: Prince Charles after a few sessions at Sunset Tan. Even though he’s about as calculated as a Cheney response, he makes me feel like I’m watching an avatar, which hints of hi-tech. That, I like.

Who Should Watch: The cotillion crowd and those that work in animation.

Joe Scarborough: Does anyone smell shit? He does.

Who Should Watch: DMV and postal employees. They’ll feel right at home with his frown and condescending delivery.

Greta Van Susteren: Solid journalist, but every time I see her I’m broken up about her failed love affair with Martina Navratilova while playing on the women’s tennis circuit in ‘85.

Who Should Watch: Martina Navratilova. Eat your heart out, tennis legend! Greta’s verbal backhand was much better than your one tourney wonder, Hana Mandlikova!

Nancy Grace: Are you fucking kidding me? It’s like someone gave Brett Butler shock therapy and told her to do Dr. Phil impressions for the legal community. Where is the damned Taliban?

Who Should Watch: Prisoners should be forced to watch this fucking train wreck instead of being put to death.

Hannity and Colmes: Scooby and Scrappy are perfect examples of the two different paths taken by students who were stuffed into lockers for 4 years in high school.

Who Should Watch: People with a Napoleon complex and those who are about to attack their school because they are sick of the bullying and don’t think they have a future.

Bob Schieffer: He went to high school with Marconi. I’d go on but the mere mention of his name makes me go senile.

Who Should Watch: Dead people.

Glenn Beck: He reminds me of a grown-up version of Kevin Arnold’s brother on the WONDER YEARS. The only ones more delusional than this simpleton are the people that watch him.

Who Should Watch: No one. If you want to see an authentic, self-important douche bag, turn on O’Reilly.